The past several years, I have found myself "just getting through the days" of parenting. I'm not sure how often I have fully embraced, and cherished being a parent. I'm easily irritated and annoyed, so far too often I have ended up letting dumb little things ruin my day. I feel as though I've wasted a lot of time feeling this way.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my children, and I do enjoy them every day, but I also feel as though I'm living with regrets....let me explain.
Last Night I finally had the courage to look at the Baby Sage (The Riedheads grandson's) website, and was reading their account of losing their sweet baby (My prayers are still with you). This was very difficult for me because it brought back a surge of emotions for me. I have thankfully never lost a child, but my mom has buried 2 children. One of them at 6 weeks old (a beautiful little girl with a heart problem), before I was born, and one 11 years ago. I grew up in a house knowing that babies can die, and that has always made me be an over sheltering mother. But with my sister that died 11 years ago, Stacey Lynn, I knew her, and loved her, and shared a very strong bond with her. She was my oldest sister, and she was like my second mother, and endured more trials than anyone else I've ever known. I watched her suffer for years, and then finally leave this earth. When she died, I had such a strong feeling of regret for all of the things I never said or did, and I had regret for things that a selfish teenage sister would say to another. I know that my sister knew and still knows how much I adore her, but when you are young, you are dumb (at least I was), and I said mean things sometimes. I never thought she would actually die, even though she was on the verge of death many times. So when she actually passed away, I wanted to make sure that I lived regret-free in the sense that I wanted to treat each person I loved in a way that made sure that they knew that I absolutely loved them every day, in case that was the last time I talked to them. I feel like I have done that with my parents and brothers and sisters since then.
When I had my children, that feeling was magnified, yet somehow over the years, that feeling has somewhat dwindled. I have found myself going to bed taking for granted that there would always be tomorrow to apologize and make things right. Not to mention, I am extremely stubborn, and when I'm right, I'm right, and whoever "wronged" me needs to be the one to apologize. So from a parental perspective, I have been trying very hard to change that, since I am the adult, I am in control of what kind of relationship I have with my children. I am the one that needs to make things right.
Well, after reading baby Sage's blog, I got a rekindled feeling of living with no regrets, and not to take for granted that anyone will live through the day or night. I want to make sure that I am more gentle, and more thoughtful about my relationships with my precious celestial spirits, and also my sweet husband, who too many times has taken a back seat to children, home, and other responsibilities. If for some reason I have to face another major loss, I want to feel as though I treated that person in such a way, that they I knew I held them in the highest esteem, and enjoyed all of their personality so that I could share their funny stories, and that I loved them unconditionally.
We are all human, we all make mistakes, we all are unworthy to some extent. I hope that we can all reach out as human beings with kind intent and warm regards for each other, and appreciate the good things that are in those around us. Life is precious and life is short!
TODAY, I WILL ENJOY! TODAY, I WILL HAVE NO REGRETS!
2 comments:
That is truly the best way to live life! Thank you for being such an example to me!
I love your post, Sum. It's unfortunate that sometimes it's events like this that remind us to cherish our times with our loved ones. I too have felt this way, but still feel I could be better at it. Thanks for the reminder!
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